Me: I can’t stay in this house another minute. If I lay down on that couch, I am just going to wallow in depression and waste the rest of the day.
Him: Go to our spot.
Me: ::: the thought of sitting on my favorite park bench at the Riverwalk goes through my head ::: Or I could go to coffee and be around people and draw, or get some Mexican food… but I don’t want to drive anywhere… I will just stay here. NO, I can’t remain in the house, or I will go crazy…
Him: Go to the Riverwalk.
Me: But I don’t want to run, I could just sit and look out over the lake; maybe something pretty will happen.
On July 12th I will celebrate 18 months of being open and honest about being gay. In my head, and heart, I haven’t ever doubted in my faith in Christ and His “finished work” in my life. Anyone who knows me over the past 24 years knows that I genuinely believe that He is the Creator of all that is beautiful and kind in the world; that He is alive and transcends our thoughts, senses, and even our dimensions.
I do believe I have Communion with Him regularly and in surprising ways. However, I have struggled with seeing Him in that intimate way lately. There has been so much darkness and weirdness going on in the world and some big transitions in my life; it’s been easy to be sad and distracted.
Me: :::driving to the Riverwalk while still in a funk:::
Him: I’ve got something to show you.
Me: Cool. Is this really… like You, you?
When I arrived at the Riverwalk I went down into the war memorial man-made peninsula area. Looking northward I saw a peaceful rain shower over a part of the lake (not the whole lake). It was serene, and the smell of the rain came with the outflowing air. It was nice.
Then I went over and sat down on my favorite bench facing out westward over the lake. A good ol’ storm was happening over that way. Lots of lightning, thunder, and I wondered if I should even be out. However, it was an isolated storm and not moving my way. So I sat on my favorite bench and just watched the storm clouds and rain billow and roll from a safe distance away.
Then, the sun punched like a bright dot in the middle of the storm…
Him: Just watch…
And almost immediately the light arced like an angel wing through the storm.
Right then the breeze from the rain shower to the north dramatically shifted to coming out of the storm to the west. The wind was much stronger and felt cooler with a very fine mist.
Him: The very first time I spoke to you, and you responded, was a situation very much like this…
And that’s when I, a grown man of 48 years, openly wept in a public park.
NOoooo… not wailing snotty-nosed crying but… tears streaming down my face as I remembered my Love for Him runs very deep and has a long history.
As the light ripped the cloud in half, I remembered that moment I heard Him and responded the first time with crystal clarity. 26 years ago, He shredded another cloud in Texas as I was driving down Pioneer Parkway, even before I became a Christian, and told me that He loved, delighted in, protected and had a plan for me. I was instantly filled with joy
A joy that welled up again yesterday.
God never told me I had to be a particular type of person or believer. He just told me He loved me and extended an invitation to relationship. He never told me I had to go to an institutionalized or culturally derived church… indeed, the worship going up from a park bench yesterday was the best worship service I have had in a year or so; ranks right up there with my all-time favorite “I love Jesus!” experiences.
John 1:5 came to mind:
“The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.”
One of the lies that I was told and believed when I was in the church closet was that to be honest and accept being gay meant you couldn’t possibly have intimacy with God.
Wrong. So … incredibly wrong.
From my experience, Our intimacy/Communion has not only remained, but it has deepened, expanded and matured.
It says in the scriptures that when Jesus breathed His last on the cross, that the veil of the temple was ripped in half. This was the veil of separation, a huge and very thick veil that set apart the Holy of Holies, where God dwelt, from the people. You could *NOT* go in there without being a high priest, and only under STRICT legalistic codes and customs. With Jesus, every bit of that “separation,” symbolic and spiritual, was destroyed. There is no need for anyone, at any time, anywhere, to ever feel like they are not welcome in His presence.
Nothing, not one thing, not even our own self…can separate us from His love. Darkness is cast out, love conquers hate.
On that note, my lovely friend, if you are inclined, I encourage you to go wait for Him. I think He has something to show you.
I love it when God shows up like this. I’m glad you were encouraged and I’m glad you shared this here since you have now encouraged me. And, because of our friendship, I have to ask you … Do you see the eagle in the cloud in your last picture? I do! I see its head, beak, wings, and its claws in the darker clouds on the left, in front of the sun. 🙂
Yay! Well, now I am getting all emotional again. I didn’t put in the post all the things He said to me during our time yesterday because… well, it’s private and … stuff. BUT one of the things He did tell, me, you can ask Him :)… is that I am about to really start “soaring” and reminded me of the promise He made to me back in 2005’ish. Thank you for seeing and pointing that out to me! I guess I was too busy being caught up in the moment yesterday.
You will sore, Randy, in the expansive freedom you discovered when you expressed a greater depth of integrity by sharing the complete you, which includes your sexuality, with the world.
lifesdesigns.org/2015/08/06/deep-places
Thank you David!
Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and experience. May God continue to bless you!
I appreciate that Ray! Thank you for reading :).
I love your writing! So easy to relay to
Thank you! I am very glad.
Have you ever heard AJ Miller talk about the human soul and how soul mates are created? Mind blowing stuff that deepens your faith!