[callout]After writing this post, when I saw the date, I realized that it was 15 years ago today that I joined the Exodus International staff. It was my first day working at the Exodus headquarters. Makes the context of this post even more poignant.[/callout]
Sitting here writing this post while The WonderAutumn is watching “Inside Out” and The WonderDan is running an errand to the Home Depot. Autumn, is also on the couch drinking/eating her applesauce through a straw. The straw method is her preferred way to consume applesauce… OH the many things I am learning about ten-year-olds now that I share a roof with one!
I am writing this at our dining room table. Looking to the right, past Applesauce Autumn, and out the beautiful living room windows, the mailman just dropped off the mail. It’s SO picturesque with beautiful sunshine lighting up a gorgeous hot pink bougainvillea and a massive stately Live Oak tree standing guard over the neighborhood behind him.
Even Hubert the Handsome Humble Hybrid seems to be radiating contentment. As I sit here with screaming cartoon characters narrowly escaping a train wreck (in the movie), I thank God.
I think God for the love I feel toward Dan and Autumn. I thank Him for the love they give me. I thank Him for making a way for us to be in this super cute and comfortable house. I thank Him for the food in the fridge, my new job, new/old friends, new community…
… and that Dan and I’s furniture actually match…perfectly. :::laugh:::
That last one isn’t actually a part of my thankful prayer but come on, combining two gay dudes homes and have the furniture perfectly match is kind of miraculous.
This new season in life is incredibly challenging in some respects. I spent so much of my life thinking I was going to be “celibate.” I realize now I used that as an excuse to hide and not have to share my heart with another in essentially deep/selfless ways. I feared allowing another to love me in essentially deep/selfless ways. The version of legalistic Christianity I was a part of (past tense) was great at appearing to be transparent. But, in reality, we simply used spiritual sounding words and trite cliches to pat each other on the back for our “vulnerability” while never actually being vulnerable.
This new season is exposing many issues I had no idea I had walled off; that’s a good thing.
While Dan and I are simply enjoying each other and our relationship for now (not rushing anything) it’s a depth of relationship and home environment that only existed in dreams for me; something I never thought I could actually have. I believe the titles of Husband and “Step-Parent” being earned so I don’t assume either of those titles at this point in our relationship. I enjoy and love where we are.
As I wrap up this post with a giggling little girl on the couch, crazy cartoon characters on the screen, and Dan unloading his car with all the errand loot he gathered, my eyes light up with delight. My soul is at rest.
It’s good to be free…