Last night, I watched a couple of videos of long-time ex-gay leaders speaking at a conference. These are people I had known for a very long time. As a result of watching, I got very upset. I hate to admit this, but the scenario of reading/watching them for no good reason only to get upset has repeated itself a few times over the years.
I keep asking myself why in the world do I do that? Why is it from time to time, I just want to hear what they are saying? Am I a glutton for punishment? … or trauma seeking to be re-traumatized? Could watching them be a sinful expression of pride for not being like “that” anymore? Is it some twisted entertainment type of thing; the Jerry Springer “train wreck” effect? Neural pathways seared into my brain? Gossip gathering?
Probably a mix of all the above and more. Regardless, none of it is healthy. It must and will stop today.
I have no legitimate reason for keeping up with what they are saying, to be distracted by the echoes from my past. I know what they will say because I helped craft the language (or listened to theirs) for a couple of decades. The topics they cover, the retorts, the denial, the subjective lay-person analysis, the stories… all the same as before; nothing new. Nothing new to me at least.
As an outward processing type of dude, writing this out is part of what helps me to make this next decision. It’s time to personally resolve not to visit their online presence/profiles/videos/resources ever again. Time to block, disconnect, filter and refocus. Time to completely stop feeding the negative energy, receiving the negative energy and not be distracted from what is truly life-giving and beautiful.
Like Daniel Craig….and all y’all 🙂
The Path is forward, my common unity, my community is elsewhere now. What is healthy and true is where my focus will reside, and I will not be distracted.
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