Monday was my 50th birthday. It seems obligatory to say something along the lines of what a newly turned 50-year-olds should say. Something like, “Sometimes my body feels like 50 in the morning but my mind feels 20 all the time.”
It’s true! How the heck did I get this old?! Ugh! So weird…
Leading up to this milestone I have been meditating on how the sum total of life and experiences have shaped who I am today. While the good parts of the past were great and turning the bad to good is important, I am also mindful that we are only actually living in an eternal state of now.
We weren’t created to be obsessed with memories from the past or worry about tomorrow. Who I am right now is where character, responsibility, love, and integrity actually mean something. Who I am and what I do with that is something that can be life-giving, light-bringing, safe, dynamic, powerful and assertive or not. It’s very important to embrace “being present” to right now to keep it real and authentic.
The past informs the present, living honestly and fully in the present gives hope for the future.
Fabulous & Free!
It’s a trip being 50 and experiencing so many *new* things. For example, I have never had a long-term relationship (or any truly “intimate” relationships… thanks to my erroneous “lifelong call to celibacy”!) Dan and I have been together 18 months and of all 5 people I have ever actually dated in my life this is the longest relationship I have been in.
I wouldn’t want to be anywhere or with anyone else.
I love waking up every day knowing that this is the life I have chosen and the family God has seen fit to put together. I love waking up not waiting for someone else to open the doors of opportunity. It’s true freedom to not submit to living under the lock and key of someone else’s expectations and my own idealistic impossibilities.
Now that I am an elder 🙂 I don’t worry about my salty language or weird sense of humor. I embrace the truth that real men can cry over Queer Eye and RuPaul’s Drag Race episodes that feature personal stories. I love that my faith is stronger than ever and much grander than anything I would allow myself to imagine in the past. I love that the fruit of the Spirit is everywhere and strongly evident in many ways in the LGBT+ community.
Today I am free from fear and free to love, live, enjoy, create, express, participate and thoroughly engage this precious gift called life.
After I first came out I said I couldn’t wait to find the man that when I looked into his eyes I would know I was home. I love the look in Dan’s eyes when I tell him I love him. When he tells me he loves me…
I’m home. I’m free.